“Why, I do believe I was just f***ing crackers there for a second.”

Alright, on a personal post, I realise I haven’t updated much in a while.

I’ve moved house, which means I’ve basically moved back to university, and I’m living with…

lemme just think of some appropriate code names…

Three design students, Daisy, Helena and Aliya, and two other English students, Sophia and Bridget.

I’ve got a little role in the university as a student mentor, which i’ll be training for in two days time.


It’s nothing like this. (https://people.ok.ubc.ca/publicaffairs/exchange/2007-05-02/PSNM.jpg)


However, the reason why i’m writing and updating is because it was the occassion of Oscar’s inquest today, which I referred to in my first entry or so. Today finally came, and went, as it were, and I thought everything was fine by about 11am or so when I got back home.

I was nervous about the whole proceeding the night before, and all my housemates were aware that I had <this> thing to go to which had been looming over my head, even Helena, who only got here on Saturday and who I’ve only known in the flesh since then (long story). So I prepared my clothes, i even trialled some makeup, and i set everything out so I would be ready on time the next day. I even cut up the bread from the bloomer I had so I wouldn’t have to do it this morning. I slept very dully, but woke up and got up on time and out of the door and at the coroners, all on time. Bridget was concerned about me going on my own (as in, she went ‘you sure you’re alright going on your own’) and she spoke to me before i went to sleep, and just before I left this morning.

I got to the coroners in my suit a little early and was directed to sit down, and Oscar’s boyfriend came in just behind me (with a three person entourage, okay) so I talked to him for a moment or two when to my surprise my head of residences came and sat down, so after he asked me to move I went to sit with her and spoke to her. It was at this time that people trafficking bastard came in, and a lady from the coroners support service came in to see if I was alright, and the usher came over and told me that I would be called as a witness and thus, I had to do the whole goddamn oath thing and talk.

Well, I never do anything half assed.

I was the second witness there to be called, following a statement from PTB (“i had known Oscar for two and a half years”, “He changed, he became more secretive when he went to university” met with a look of doubt by me AND my head of res) and I answered all the coroners questions fully. Unlike everyone else I had no fraudulent major crime committing ass to cover (well alright, GSK didn’t, and the cops only had incompetence) so I was the one who actually characterised Oscar the most as a person. I didn’t have to leave out that i was paying for goddamn everything but nothing comes for free, and I was fiddling my company’s accounts to cover it up either, but there you damn go. The next statements were from the Ambulance service, the Police, the Pathologist, a doctor Oscar was registered with but never attended and one from GSK just to say that “it might have been our drugs but no, we didn’t kill him”.

The proceeding took forty tear free minutes – I thought i would cry when i was in there, but I didn’t at all. I was overcome with some sort of sniping revulsion, to be honest. It’s hard to cry when you’re sitting in a room with someone and it would be improper to jump on the bench and go ‘HEY you FUCKER we know that it was YOU who was that goddamn cloud over his head’. In my testimony i had made it extremely clear that whatever it was, it was not college. So, the coroner concluded that with all the evidence together, it was a suicide without question but, she added a note to the verdict: Suicide committed in a disturbed state of mind.

Oscar’s family back home are pretty religious and to them, a suicide is a one way ticket into the lower circle of Hell, Dante’s wood of suicides. However, some people believe that those in an unfit mental state who commit it can find forgiveness in God after death – I just hope that is what they believe too.


Looking back at this two weeks after I wrote the main body of it, I think this is crackers enough as it is. Suffice to say, I was not alright at the end of this, even though i thought I was, and I said I was. However, the people around me all still knew that it wasn’t so. Just took a game of chicken in Haymarket for me to catch up with them.


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